I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
