The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found puke in my bra..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
