i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
