Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
