I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
