You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
