i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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