i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
