I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
