I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
