You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
