Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
