I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
