ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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