I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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