Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
