I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
