If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
