Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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