So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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