Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
