i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
