whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
