I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
