I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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