that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
