just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
