the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
