1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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