I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We left the knife in your bed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
