who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
