apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
