The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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