Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
