Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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