Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
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