The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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