I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
