Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
