I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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