My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
