remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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