Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
