I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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