i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
