thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
