i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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