i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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