my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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