I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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