Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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