she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
