I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
