I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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