we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
