Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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